Time Travelers' Anonymous
by Backroads
Summary: Whatever will Marty McFly do when group of psychologically screwed up time travelers come after him with pitchforks!
1. Group Therapy

This fic is dedicated to the memory of the character of Doctor Charles Kroger from USA's Monk. This is a joint fic attempt with my sisters.

We do not own the following:

-Pepperidge Farm cookies

-Back to the Future

-Monk

-The Fairly Odd Parents

-The Time Machine

-Twilight

-Harry Potter

-Meet the Robinsons

-The Space-Time Continuum

-Wayside School

* * *

It was 4:00 on a Thursday afternoon. But you couldn't be sure of that time, because the members of the particular group therapy group meeting at this rather hazy time were responsible for screwing up the space-time continuum so badly it might as well be October 26, 1955-10:04 PM. But that would be really hard to fix on a calendar. So for all intents and purposes, it was a Thursday.

Dr. Charles Kroger laid out some Pepperidge Farm cookies for his patients, who would shortly be arriving. None of them actually Pepperidge Farm cookies, but Dr. Kroger did. His patients didn't like root beer, either (which was also sitting upon the table).

As the clock chimed 4:00 (or 10:04 PM or whatever because it doesn't matter) the patients slowly filed in. Dr. Kroger did not want to be the mediator of this particular therapy group; he only did it so it would look good to his colleagues in Australia (but since the space-time was so messed up, his colleagues might as well be in Forks, Washington).

The first patient to sit timidly upon the cold folding chair was Hermione Granger, her bushy hair bushier than ever due to her long broomstick flight from England, where she was a student at a certain magical place of learning in a particular series of books written by a particular and particularly wealthy British author. Hermione Granger is actually a fictional character, but for the purpose of this story, she sat in the cold folding chair and reached for a Mint Milano.

Dr. Kroger smacked her hand away with a fierce "You don't like those!"

Hermione promptly burst into tears.

Dr. Kroger was gentler with his next words. "That's why you're here. To deal with your strong aversion to Pepperidge Farm cookies which you are slowly building."

Hermione wiped her tears. "But I do love them!"

"No, you don't." Dr. Kroger pulled out a pickle-shaped jewel and swung it before Hermione's eyes. "Repeat after me: I hate Pepperidge Farm cookies."

"I hate Pepperidge Farm cookies," Hermione slowly repeated in a dazed and hypnotized fashion.

Dr. Kroger smiled. Hypnotism. It never got old.

Next, in bounced that Lewis kid from "Meet the Robinsons". He waved to Dr. Kroger, said a perky and happy "Hello!" and sat down in the only cushiony chair available, where he was given a cold stare by Hermione.

"Hey," said Lewis. "Don't look at me that way. You didn't see it. Hey, Pepperidge Farm cookies! I hate those! Where's your fridge?"

"In the back," said Dr. Kroger, gesturing.

Lewis soon came back with a bottle of Jones Soda and a giant hotdog, He ate happily.

Next, in sailed Timmy Turner on his time scooter.

"Those are forbidden!" Dr. Kroger screamed.

"Lewis brought his!" He pointed at Lewis's giant time Harley Davidson parked on Dr. Kroger's Persian Rug.

"Where did that come from?" asked Dr. Kroger.

"From the alternate timeline, of course!" said Lewis.

Hermione randomly burst into tears. "I'm cool in the alternate timeline! I have friends besides those two stupid boys!"

The next patient to arrive was the guy from H. G. Well's classic novel _The Time Machine_. He was mysterious and shadowy and he was being chased by Morlocks.

"You're not allowed!" said Dr. Kroger.

The Morlocks sadly walked away.

Next to arrive was Alice. Alice was so much hotter than Hermione. Her skin was pure and white with beautiful purple shadows under her eyes, like bruises from being beaten by a mortal. But on her, it was hot. Because vampires are like that. She had a dazed look in her beautiful eyes. "They're coming for you!" she cried. "They're coming for you!"

No one bothered to ask who she was talking to.

Finally, the last patient arrived. A man simply known as the Doc. But not just any Doc. Doctor Emmett L. Brown. He was a crazy old wild-eyed scientist who had fooled around too much in the ways of time travel.

Dr. Kroger smiled and clapped his hands. "Well, then. Shall we begin if you'll all take a seat?"

Doc pulled out a fancy hover chair he invented himself.

"Welcome to our first official meeting of Time Travelers' Anonymous," said Dr. Kroger. "Let's begin by getting to know one another. We'll start with… me."

"But you're not a time traveler!" said Doc.

"So?" said Dr. Kroger. "I've read sci-fi novels and fanfics. I've watched those _Back to the Future_ movies. In fact, I own the special three-disk DVD set. And I'm the one making the big bucks here and I'M THE DOC!! So I get to first."

Doc looked angry and threw a wooden train at Dr. Kroger's head.

It missed and bounced off of Hermione's bushy hair. She still broke into sobs.

"I'm Dr. Charles Kroger. And technically, I died of a heart attack three years ago. But I'm so cool and amazing that I warrant being brought back in a fanfic. I hate Dr. Bell because he thinks he's so cool when in reality his stories stink. I just want to look good for my son who hates me." He smiled at the group. "Hermione, would you like to go next?"

"Yes."

"Too bad! Alice, you're next."

Alice waved to the group. "Hi, I'm Alice. I like to make out with my so-called adoptive brother who is really my husband. I look into the future and see what horrible things will happen so I can get my mortal friends into equally mortal danger. I can't time travel, but my eyes can! In fact, they do it most of the time now so I don't know what's happening in the present! Where am I? Didn't this already happen? We had this session last week! Well, if we're having it now, that means… ah, man! Bella's in another scrape as we speak! Too bad Edward can't save her."

It was now Hermione's turn. Really. "Hi, I'm Hermione. I'm not a witch. I don't go to school in a magical land. My parents are not dentists. I do not love a certain red-haired boy whose name is not Ron Weasley. I'm here because my friend Harry who is being attacked by the Dark Lord as we speak thinks I rely too much on my time turner because I travel into the future all the time to see my marriage to a certain red-haired boy whose name is not Ron Weasley. We get married at the Chapel O' Love and then we live in Hilldale right next door to the McFlys. Marty McFly is nice. He bakes us cookies shaped like little Deloreans."

Doc shook his fist. "I hate that kid. He burned down my house with a marshmellow and he messed up the entire space-time continuum three times. But who gets sent to therapy? Me! All because my wife gets mad at me spending all my time tinkering around in the garage making time machine out of anything that moves. Like the cat that we bought Jules for Christmas. Fluffy was his only friend. And Jules was chasing him even as he was being sent to another dimension. So we sent Jennifer after the cat with the time backpack and the time spatula. Jennifer's a smart girl. She'll be okay. So that was the last straw. So Clara threw a really cool purple hat at me and scheduled this very therapy session."

"Hmm…" said Dr. Kroger thoughtfully. "I see." He straightened a cushion while looking through a _Where's Waldo_ book. "Okay. Mr. Shadowy Man?"

The mysterious from H. G. Well's classic novel _The Time Machine_ only said "I don't have a time travel problem. I have a Morlock problem. They're after me. I see them when I sleep. Growling at me. Making large machines to destroy me. I never should have gone to that distant future." He sighed dramatically.

Next came Lewis. "I have a time travel problem because my future son is an idiot. I'm so grounding him when I grow up and marry that hot girl from the science fair."

"I only traveled through time in one episode!" said Timmy. "It was fun. It had lots of references to my favorite movie _Back to the Future_. That's a great movie."

Dr. Kroger had to agree. _Back to the Future_ was a good movie. He was going to buy it in Blue-Ray one of these days. "So," he said "How do you all feel about time travel?"

No one answered

Finally, sick of the awkward silence, Doc began. "I only invented time travel to get away from Marty McFly—"

"That's my neighbor in the future!" said Hermione.

"But after that," Doc continued, ignoring Hermione. "Time travel changed my life. Because time travel is my life. Before time travel, I was just a man. But now… I'm a man who can time travel!!!"

The Time Machine guy applauded. "I know exactly how you feel! I don't even know my own name, but I know how you feel! I'm simply… that guy!"

"From that time on," said Doc. "Time travel solved all of my life problems. It helped me find a wife. It helped me temporarily ditched Marty even though he chased after me. But what do you do about a kid like that? He reminds me of that kid over there," he said, pointing to Timmy.

"Why don't you tell the group why you so hate this Mary McFly and Deloreon-shaped cookies?" asked Dr. Kroger. "I believe he is the source of your time-traveling angst."

"I remember when I first met Marty McFly. I was a judge at the junior high school science fair. Marty had created a machine that helped you to retrieve lost memories."

Lewis suddenly looked offended. "But that was my machine! Mine! And then my psycho roommate with all the issues destroyed it!"

"I told you he was evil," Doc said softly. "Evil! Well, when he carried in the machine, he dropped it in the piranha tank. Why there was a piranha, we'll never know. Does anyone ever know? But that is where he dropped it."

"And he released all the piranhas?" Alice asked.

"No. Nothing happened. He just dropped it in the tank. Then he pulled it out again. But after that, oh, that's when the trouble began. He was so inspired by the event, he made a band called Piranha Tank Science Experiment. And then he snuck into my garage so his band could use my amplifier. So I put a bomb in the amplifier and told him it was a mistake. Of course, this was after his band was platinum and threw him out. He had another band at that time. But I felt so bad about the bomb."

"Did you really?" asked Dr. Kroger.

"No. But I thought you had to be all emotional and guilt-ridden at these things."

"Y'know," said Hermione. "I never liked Mary's cookies in the future. And he stole our paper! And his kids were really annoying. And ugly! He had one daughter that looked like a man!"

"And this other time," continued Doc. "He threw a flaming marshmallow. He was trying to impress a girl, even though no girl will ever love him. The flaming marshmallow burnt down my house! He also stole my Toaster."

"My scooter's name is Toaster!" shouted Timmy. "Why would he steal Toaster?"

"Toaster is the perfect name for a scooter. He would probably try to steal yours, too."

Timmy shook his fist.

"And then, back in 1955, I tried to kill him with a lightning bolt and a car and clock tower. If my calculations had been correct, the clock tower should have fallen on him. Instead, he just went back to the future. And then he came back and said he was back. Back from the future."

"He must created the Morlocks!" screamed that guy from _The Time Machine_. "They're from the future! He would!"

"Yeah, but Marty only went like thirty years into the future, not the eons of your silly book."

"It is not a silly book! It's my life's work!"

Alice grabbed a pitchfork out of nowhere. "I say we burn Marty McFly! Find him and burn him and drink his blood! Because I like to drink human blood! I only pretend to be a vegetarian!"

Dr. Kroger was so happy to see such passion from his patients. "I think we're accomplishing something. I think a quest to destroy Marty McFly is just what we need."

_To Be Continued..._


	2. To the Amazon!

Lorraine Bates Mcfly was sitting upon a hill, the wind blowing through her hair. It was a tall hill, full of wildflowers, and overlooked the city of Hilldale. Then Lorraine stood up, her face full of worry and fear and other similar emotions. Her eyes turned towards the sky as a plane broke into pieces and went crumbling into the nearby ocean. Which was full of piranhas. She screamed. "George! George was on that flight!"

She broke into a run down the hill, but tripped and rolled and broke her crown. She had just got it at Burger King that very afternoon. Her eldest son Dave was the CEO of Burger King. But still, you just can't break those crowns like that. She finally landed, clutching the grass, crying.

The therapy group found Alice twitching uncontrollably at the bottom of the stairs, her golden eyes wide and glazed.

"Alice!" said Hermione. "What happened? We were all about to storm out of here as an angry mob when you fell to the ground in a mysterious fashion!"

"I had a vision!" replied Alice. "As I often do. Because my eyes time-travel. A woman named Lorraine is screaming! And there was a plane! A plane from Oceanic Airlines! Someone named George was on that plane!"

"My father's name is George," said Timmy. "But everyone calls him Dad. And he had to go to Australia to pick up a dead body."

Everyone gasped. "What does it mean?" asked Doc.

"It hasn't happened yet," said Alice. "We may never know. But all I know is that I had another vision. Marty Mcfly is at this time in the Amazon Rainforest! We need to get to the Amazon!"

"But how will we get to the Amazon?" asked Lewis.

"I have a train," volunteered Doc.

"I'm filthy rich," said Dr. Kroger.

"I'm smart," said Hermione.

"There must be a way to combine your talents in some useful and productive way that will get us to the Amazon," said the mysterious man from "The Time Machine".

In the end, they drove Doc's train with Hermione navigating. Dr. Kroger used his extensive wealth to buy them all food from Burger King. When they were all happily fed with golden crowns upon their heads, they found within the time train a small blonde boy wearing a hideous purple suit.

"The name is Verne," said the small boy.

"I know that!" said Doc. "I'm your dad. I wanted to name you Eugene, actually. But we were afraid kids would beat you up if you had that name. We didn't want another Jules experience. Anyway, what are you doing here?"

"I don't know," said Verne. "I fell asleep here. And know I don't know how to get home. But that Alice chick over there is sure hot. Not like that Hermione girl. She has bushy hair and big teeth."

"What talents can you give to our mission to destroy Marty Mcfly?" asked the "The Machine" guy.

"Marty Mcfly destroyed my childhood. I have spent half my young life time travelling. I don't know how old I am. Or where I am. Or when I am. My best friend Percy Jackson… he was my best friend. And then my dad over here made us move again because the time cops were after us. Again. And then Percy was an old man. And he didn't even remember me. Actually, I'm amazed he lived that long. So I offer you my talents as an evil mastermind in order to chase down Marty Mcfly."

"That's my boy," Doc said proudly.

At this time, the Space-Time Continuum suddenly bent itself, a reaction to the time travels of time-traveling idiots, and the Time Travelers Anonymous group found themselves conveniently in the Amazon.

But there was no Marty Mcfly. Only a note found amongst the katydids.

"Aren't those a bug?" Lewis asked.

"Yes," said Hermione. "Now I shall officially read the note." She cleared her throat and began:

"I have your friend Marty Mcfly in my clutches. He will be safe. For now. If you ever want to see your precious Marty Mcfly again, I want Lorraine. Because she's insanely hot. Like wow. You must deliver Lorraine into my hands. We will do this via a swap. This swap will occur at the clock tower on November 26, 1955, 10:04 P.M. And don't run into our other selves! Love, Biff."

"It's true," said Alice with a nod. "I know what I was doing that night." She smirked evilly.

"You bring me Lorraine," continued the note. "And I will bring Marty and bananas, just to make it fair."

They all decided they really liked bananas, even if they didn't like Marty Mcfly. After much discussion, they decided they would go get Lorraine and bring her to the appointed date and location. Bananas have potassium, and Timmy was short.

They made camp and slept in the rainforest that night. The guy from "The Time Machine" fought off the Morlocks with a sharp stick. It was quite an exciting night. The katydids chirped loudly, and the moon shone bright.

But they awoke the next morning with one burning question: Where the heck would they find Lorraine? And when would they find her? These are important questions when one time travels.

"I know!" said Doc. "She was at the high school in 1955!"

"But I saw her on a hill overlooking the crash of Oceanic Flight 115!" said Alice.

Verne sighed. "Well, what age do we want to get Lorraine at? Obviously, she will be at different ages in different times."

"Obviously," said Dr. Kroger. "Maybe we should split up and go after different Lorraines in different times."

"Won't that wreck the Space-Time Continuum?" worried Lewis. "I mean, that is why I'm going to ground my future son."

"We'll put them back when we're done," said Hermione. "Except for the one we give to Biff."

"But which one do we give to Biff?"

"The prettiest one, of course!" said Timmy.

And so they split into pairs: Hermione and Alice. (girl power!) Timmy and the guy from "The Time Machine". Doc Brown and Dr. Kroger (the Docs!) , and finally Lewis and Verne.

And thus they departed into the time stream….


End file.
